dear neighbor

Dear Next Door Neighbor,

If your car has a horrible, high-pitched, repeating squeaking noise coming from your engine, a noise reminiscent of a hundred tiny mice being horrendously tortured—for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, do not let it run for twenty minutes before driving off.

Yes, I realize it’s cold. It’s New England, it’s winter, it gets cold. I realize you’d like to drive away in a toasty warm car.

However.

I would like to be able to refrain from STABBING MYSELF IN MY OWN FUCKING EARDRUMS to make the HORRIBLE FUCKING RINGING NOISE STOP.

Either suck it up and drive away in a frigid car, or get that fucking noise fixed.

Not Slashing Your Tires Yet,
—Me

back in style

Ethan stopped over to hang out the other day, and he and Nathan and I were trying to decide on what we wanted to do. Watch a movie? Play a video game? Nathan wouldn’t commit to an opinion on what he wanted to do. When we pressed him, he said, “I just want to do what everyone else wants to do.”

Brief pause.

Then I say, “Your mom?”

…this post was brought to you by the letters, U, R, and the committee for ‘ur mom jokes are back in style.’

they might take it back

You know, the more I happen to use LOLcat speak, the more I keep looking over my shoulder in trepidation. One day, I’m going to look, and my toughest professor from college will be standing there, holding my degree in her hands. Then she’ll tell me, “We’re taking this back due to your flagrant abuse of the English language.”

Sadly, my reply would probably be, “I can haz degree back?”

Then I’d inquire about a refund on the money I spent on the degree. I mean, if that professor had yet to smote me for using LOLcat speak in front of her, I’d ask.

Come to think of it, I’m still surprised she didn’t smote me while I was a student.

Of course, that leaves another question. If someone smotes you, would you still have to pay back your student loans?

Wait… are student loans the modern tool of smiting!?

Holy shit! I’ve been smote already and I never even knew!

An Epic Win

My buddy Ethan is a coffee roaster and barista at a local coffee/roaster place. He’s usually strikes up some sort of conversation with customers who stop by. This morning, a customer walked in, ipod earbuds in his ears, listening to his nano.

Ethan, ever curious, asks, “What are you listening to?”

The customer proceeded to hand Ethan his buds. Ethan puts them in.

Customer presses play.

Ethan hears: Never gonna give you up, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna run around and desert you…

Ultimate Rickroll.

Ethan laughs hysterically. Customer gets free coffee.

Rick Astley lives on.