From: Jamie [jamie @ohlookabutterfly.com]
Subject: Recent Events
To: My Fairy Godmother [fairy_godmother @ifuckinghateyousometimes.com]

Dear Fairy Godmother,

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing to you now, when I haven’t written to you since I was six and really, really wanted to be able to ride my bike without training wheels (by the way, that skinned knee? Fantastic job).

Now, for you to understand why I’m writing this email (times have changed since I was six and I’ve lost your snail-mail address), let us take stock of the recent events that have transpired in my life.

1. I come down with some sort of freak illness that no one can diagnose. This freak illness also comes with headaches as an added bonus.
2. Those headaches mentioned in number one? They weren’t caused by the illness. The illness was just a red herring that threw off diagnostics for months. Good one, mate. The doctors found that one knee-slapping as well.
3. During a span of days when I felt well enough to be my normal self, I go fencing. While fencing, I get hit in the AC joint (you know, statistically, I shouldn’t even have gotten hit there the first time. you’re damn good at beating the odds).
4. Things are finally starting to look up. The headaches have decreased in frequency so that only once a week I’m laid out by a monster headache that’s not a migraine. Go lay down during the headache to make myself feel better, you say? It won’t help. It will only make me have a headache and be bored. Nonetheless, I think things are getting better. But ooooh, you trickster, you.
5. Feeling better and halfway through a regimen of methylprolone (that’s steroids to you non-medical people), a regimen, by the way, that was without side effects (I know, I was just as surprised as the rest of you), I go forth with nathan and my sister to snowboard for the first time this season. The first run was beautiful. Swish, swish, swish, carving down the mountain. We go up for a second run. Getting off the lift, the boy stops one foot from where the chair drops you off, and my sister and I crash into him and we slide down the tiny lift-hill in a tangled heap of limbs, boards, and bodies. My right hand (because we just like to pretend I don’t have a left one, don’t we?) gets caught in nathan’s binding, twisted, and then shoved back toward my shoulder socket. Once we’ve all finally righted ourselves, I can barely use my right arm. Right On.
6. So now I just need to get back down the mountain without falling onto my right shoulder and I’ll be fine. Now, I manage to do just that. However, in twisting my body during a fall when my dull-edged board lost traction on some ice on the slope, I at once avoided landing on my right shoulder and instead, managed to land nicely on my left elbow. Now I have two arms that are useless. You just couldn’t have it all on one arm, could you? But I understand, it’s much more amusing this way.
7. I ice the shoulder and elbow when I get home. My shoulder feels decent when compared to what I thought it should be, it’s the elbow that’s more concerning. Two days later, the elbow is nearly back to normal and my shoulder refuses to work properly. Ha! You managed to get my hopes up, there. You’re just too damn good at this.
8. Physical therapist says that the joint is more unstable, much more swollen, and my range of motion is significantly diminished from my last evaluation (which was, by the way, the week before). Physical therapist says to call doc.
9. Call doc. Doc orders x-ray. I go and get my x-ray.
10. Driving home from said x-ray, I am munching away on a Pria bar, and I hear a crunch. Not a “You’ve bitten into a soy crisp” crunch, but a “This sort of crunch should not happen in your mouth” crunch. Further inspection reveals that I have broken a tooth. What’s that you say? I broke a tooth? Yes. I broke a fucking tooth.

Now, let’s take a look at your job description.

Fairy Godmother—

noun

1. a generous benefactor
2. a female character is some fairy stories who has magical powers and can bring unexpected good fortune to the hero or heroine

—from dictionary.com

While you have been generous, you have not been a benefactor.

While you have magical powers, you have not brought unexpected good fortune to the heroine (e.g. me).

In fact, you’ve continuously brought unexpected bad fortune to the heroine.

As such, you have not fulfilled your duties as my fairy godmother. Effective this date, you are hereby terminated from your position as my fairy godmother.

Best Regards,
Jamie
Your Former Fairy Godchild

Categories: medical adventures