I’m on my very own episode of House, only without the caustic doctor.

✓ Internal Medicine
✓ Ear, Nose, Throat
✓ Infectious Disease
✓ Dermatology
✓ Ob/Gyn
✓ Urology (long story)
✓ Dentist
✓ Neurology

Down to the last specialist—neurology. At this point, I’m sick of being sick. I don’t want to be sick, I want to be well. I don’t want to be some sort of medical frequent flyer (the neurologist used this term about my visits to my PCP. Fantastic.) I want to be a normal person (as normal as I could get). I want to work and fence and, you know, live my life. I’m sick of doctors and tests. I’m sick of tests that render normal results (I know, I know, it’s a good thing, but you get to a point where you want something to come out and say ‘it’s me! i’m the problem!’)

The issues is that my symptoms indicate a wide range of causes. Fever, swollen lymph nodes, malaise, headaches in one spot of the head, vertigo. So then there’s a bunch of theories. (We’re on to the white board now):

Sinus Infection
Bladder Infection
Skin Infection
Ear Infection
TMJ Disorder
Tooth Abscess
Somewhere in the Body Infection
Lupus
Lyme Disease
Thyroid Problems
Lymphoma (Hodgkins and Non Hodgkins)
Leukemia
Other autoimmune disorders
West Nile
Unknown Virus
Neoplasm
Alien
MS
Migraines
Other causes of craniofacial pain
Irritated trigeminal nerve

So we do tests to knock off one theory after another.

✓ Course of antibiotics
✓ Pretty much any blood test you can think of
✓ Urine Test
✓ Head CT
✓ Brain MRI
✓ Neck CT

Only odd imaging think were the matching extra white matter on the right side of the brain in both the head CT and brain MRI:

We’re down to the last three and the neurologist and whatever else she could think of. I saw her on Friday for an hour. An hour. I don’t even see my shrink for that long. Question after question. Poking and prodding. More questions. Doing all those little tests that make you think you’ve been stopped for DUI. Balance checking (which is weird for a fencer, we tend to have really good balance in the first place). More talking. She said I have a big uvula and asked if anyone had told me that before. Um…no, no, they hadn’t.

Do you say thank you to that or feel embarrassed when you’re told that?

She really thought it was my thyroid and kept looking at the labs and thinking the numbers would change. Nope. She thought my blood sugar was a bit high on my last test, so she ordered a fasting blood sugar. Fantastic. Another repeated test.

So after all this, she came up with three theories:

1. By far her favorite theory—that the dentist irritated the trigeminal nerve when he injected the novocaine.
2. Somehow I sprained the muscle that connects to the occipital notch at the back of the skull (there’s two. it’s the one on the left.)
3. That it’s actually migraines. Atypical, but migraines nonetheless.

Right. So then she starts pondering a plan of attack.

Muscle relaxer. Then there’s a glance at my chart and the neon orange ALLERGIES sticker and that’s I’m allergic to Skelaxin, a muscle relaxer. So she trots out of the room to speak with a pharmacist, who agrees with her that due to the severity of my reaction to Skelaxin, there’s a high probability that I’ll have the same reaction with any drug in the muscle relaxer class.

Muscle relaxer

Valium. “Have you taken Valium before?”

“Yes, it made me cry.”

There’s a long pause and you can see that she’s trying not to laugh. So I say, “It’s okay, you can laugh. Dr. T— did.”

Laughing ensues.

Valium

Five day course of steroids. It would get the nerve inflammation to go away for good. Another study of my list o’ medications. She wonders aloud if it would adversely affect my moods. Another trot out of the room, this time to ask my PCP what she thought. She comes back in, obviously a bit dejected. PCP really thinks that it’s too risky to use the steriod treatment because of it having a high possibility to trigger a manic episode.

five day course of steroids

An injection to block the occipital nerve.

“Um…I really want injections.”

She didn’t really feel comfortable with them either.

injection

More thinking. Finally, she comes up with a bunch of ideas to use together:

Physical therapy
Weaning myself off caffeine
Not having anymore artificial sweeteners
More regular exercise (two hours fencing three nights a week is apparently not enough)
Not taking tylenol or naproxen
Putting heat pads on the back of my neck

I see her again in a month. I need to see if I can still have splenda. If I can’t, pretty much all I can drink anymore is water. Plain ol’ water.

Caffeine
artificial sweeteners
Tylenol and Naproxen

…and there will be much discord and gnashing of teeth.

Categories: medical adventures